Day 41

Someone asked me what is love before and I told them this. .

Love is accepting a person for who she/he is, forgiving them for anything they did and trust them in anythingy they do. .

There is no such thingy as true love, a relationship needs work to keep it together and closer, too bad he doesnt understand this point.

Sometime I was thinking, the thingy we do for love, we can give everything and do everything for the person we love but do they really actually feel it or are happy? Am I doing correctly or wrongly? If sharing pains and sufferings and problems is wrong den how abt letting the person share it? The person have their own problems and still have to carry your burden with them, is it an act of selfishness or a act of love?

For mi I will keep it to myself, coz I didnt wan to let him carry my burden. I noe it may be selfish but I feel useless when I cant even can solve his problems and yet let him carry my burden.

Everyone has their own problems and worries but where is the thin line where we share it? Anger, rage, sadness which is the mood you would choice to let out you worries and problems?

If it is any of the above den u need to grow up. That's life. .

Todaz is day 41. . I should be felt happy ytd nitz. Since so long, I am feeling tat dear is still very concern abt mi.

Mei mei was telling me tat dear has pump petrol for me which is I've told him not to do so.

And when dear bring kids back home, he bought me a burger. . So sweet. .

Hm, did I mentioned it ytd mah? Sori to repeated again . . too happy liao..

Was pretty sad at first when I sms dear a few times but he neva reply. Until late nitz, he sms me saying his hp hang again and neva receive my sms until now. Den I've replied him tats okie and saying good nitz to him.

Last nitz I dream of dear. I dream of we are patching back again. so sweet. . But some how I cant really can remember wat was the dream abt. The sweet moments. .

I love u dear, miss you alot. .

Regards,
ShiQi

Day 40

Wake up with a terrbile headache. Still feeling very terrible and offen wanna vomit.

Today is day 40. I am starting to lost track of dear's work schedule. He suppose to go and collect books for son son.

Morning I sms dear but he neva reply even one. I called son son den and he was telling me tat he only will coming home at abt 4pm. I saw this digit again 1111, isit someone who missing me?

I am getting angry actually. About the dinner last nitz they arranged without me. Kids neva sided me. But den, wat can they actually do? Dear dun wish me to be around, kids also cant do anythingy.

Just to wish mother in law HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Kids come home, I was like blaming them for not calling me ytd, they must be super enjoy ba. I guess I getting crazy. .

Mei mei was telling me tat Kat is actually asking her why they go swimming neva asked me along? Mei mei tell her tat daddy dun wan and said mummy got to work. If they telling me in advance, I cofirm will joinin them no matter wat. But well, thanks Kat for the concern.

Dear bought me a burger, very touchin. Sms him for the thankful. But he neva reply. :( Today dun really felt wanna to go out. So just go downstair buying dinner for them and I shall come home and blog it.

Dear, I missed you so much. . .

Ops, stomachache now. . Ciao liao...

Regards,
ShiQi

Day 39

Today is day 39. And was son son's going to new school for reporting.

Dear wait for us downstair, and askin me am I going along too. I've told him yes and I will just tag along awhile.

Dear wants to drive redtimo there, hm. . I asked why need to drive while the school is so near us and I've no more coupon le. Dear said he wants to go and buy things and he need the car. He got the coupon there. I'm asking him to go and pump the air for the tyres if he has time, he said okie and asked should he pump petrol too? I said dun need la coz I dun want him to spend money on redtimo. Rather let ppl talk bad thingy abt me again.

We went for breakfast den. I neva make dear paid for the breakfast again coz I dun want to let him had tat feel I'm still using his money.

Den we proceed to school. After registered, we just get to buy books and uniform. Books they can only be able to collect at later part. He bought drink and asking me to share with mei mei. But I refuse to take it. No doubt Im happy but somehow, I dun wish him to spend money on me.

Time passed fast, all are settled and Im going to proceed to work. I take my bag and wanna to walk out and take bus. However, he wanted to send me to work. Happy!! But den, I told him I've forgotten to get somethingy and I'll need to go home and collect it. He den send me home, at the same time, dear asked son son to bring down their roller brake. sigh... They going out without me again. :(

Den I'm off to work. They neva called me all the while until after mi having company's lunch at Marine Mandarin Hotel while shopping time at Marine Square, I gave son son a call. Asking him has he collected his books? He said tomorrow den collect. And I asked where are they now? He said at bedok buying foods. I guess is for mum's de birthday celebration. Im really very sad this time round they really forget about me and go ahead for the celebration.

All the day was like no mood in everythingy I do. We den went to Clarke Quay to have some finger foods as we cant really can eat anymore, esp me while some of them are felt hungry. After that we proceed for drink. I am not in a good mood and gonna drunk again. Vomit somemore. Felt super terrible. Some how I would think that if dear are by my side now, today will be my most happy daz after so many patient wait.

I felt Im lonely for the nitz. No one was there for me when I need them. I started to cry in the middle of the nitz. When can I really can walk out of the shadow again??

Regards,
ShiQi

Day 38

Today is day 38, nothing to say but just missing him. .

He bring son son's school uniform home but neva wan to come up instead asking him to go down and collect it. . Neva got a chance to see him . . He still avoiding me mah??

Regards,
ShiQi

Day 37

Times passed fast. Today is day 37. .


Yesterday was watching show and find out Chi Bi part 2 is going to show in movie in Jan'09. Wondered can we actually go and watch together as family mah.


Father and mother in law de birthday are coming soon. Wonder will they invited me for dinner mah? Should I get them some prezie?? Really scare they will left me out den.

Ytd we was having Company's dinner while hubby and kids were actually called me and I didnt know it. After tat I've returned call to them but hubby seen like not really happy. He might be thinking: " See la, again never ans my call." Dear, I didnt wor, I really dunno the phone rang, so sori if I make u unhappy again. .

B4 tat, I've actually informed kids tat I will be home late, if they wanna to come home, they will have to wait for me at home. In the end, hubby dun wish them to come back home :(

Yesterday was quite a sad and happy day, sad is becoz kids cant be with mi last nitz, happy is becoz hubby has actually called me 2 times. Even so, as long as I can heard his voice, Im happy enough.

Friends was actually really care and concern abt mi, esp my lady boss. She noes wat happened to me recently and really supporting me indeed. I still remember once we ever talk my issue and she was actually telling me her past too, and cant really believe, both of us drop our tears. . omg. . But however, she is going to leave this company soon, sad thingy happen again. It is very hard to have such a good and caring boss in any company.

Well, they actually asking me what is my plan afterwards etc. I really dunno how and wat to reply. The only replied to them was just wait for 21 days den. Which is previously b4 7 days I've actually did told them this. Den they asked, after 21 days, will u still telling yourself this. "Well, just wait patiently again for a year den."

They know my pattern tat I wont be able to make any decision for breaking off with hubby. I dun wish to break off, I WAN TO BE WITH HIM FOREVA. .

Ring Ring . .Halo dear, are u listening?? Hm.. I guess not, becoz I neva even told him b4 this blog that I've created for him as our ding qin zhi wu.

I went home quite late, a colleague send me home. At first I dun wan it, coz I scare hubby dunno at somewhere and I kena caught by him again. Den, sigh. . misunderstanding again. But lady boss said: 'pls, to ease my worry, let him sendin u home ok!'

No choice but got to be follow. I remember tat hubby ever asked me why my friends like to drop me at behind's bus stop. This time, Im going to drop in front of my bus stop den to ease his question.

Felt so bad kids wont be able to come home last nitz. todaz im going to pei them for sure.. quickly settled the prezie stuffs and chop chop home fast. .

I got my dear a levi pouch. . hope he will like it and treasure it. As no matter wat I've bought for him in the past, neva see him treasure it at all. A bit sad but. . hai..

Tiramisu also neva eat, Redken shampoo also neva use.. why huh??

When I've reached home, find out something again. . omg, kids neva off the fan again. . This month bill should shot super high sia. . :(

Alright, get back to my work liao. . Ciao..

regards,
ShiQi

Day 36

Today is day 36. Wondered how is he again.

I wanna to sms him but den Im afraid that he will find me irritating. Should I stop to sms him from now onwards??

Yesterday night, surprise Janice (BK friend) was calling me. Wondered how she got my number and yet I neva gave to anyone my new contact number in order to get myself in trouble again. (**Pls dear, consult me first b4 given ppl my new contact can mah?) This is really a serious problematic for mi and is indeed a serious punishment there.

After that, I gets to know that they are arranging the christmas gathering on either 21 or 22. However, becoz she sms to my old number and couldnt get mi, she call hubby directly. And den he was telling her tat he wont be able to attend this time due to his work. Well, hmm.. true or not true, I dunno. . And still, he is at home, but den he is telling Janice tat he is busy working right now and asked her to call my directly by given her my new number.

After Janice called me, I was actually sms him tat abt this gathering, becoz everyone will be present on tat day, hope he can make arrangement to attend otherwise it wont be so nice den. But den, hubby insist not wanna join. :(

I couldnt force him den no doubt im sad. I sms to Janice tat both of us wont be join them due to hubby's work load. Really felt sori den. I wont be happy if Im joining alone with my hubby beside me.

Hubby sending kids back home last nitz, but again, he refuse to come in. Left the kids outside den he ciao le. Sigh..

I actually did gave him a call for reminder him tat on 18 Dec remember to onz his phone for standby, anytime he will get to receive the msg from MOE for son son's sec school result. And asked if on 19 Dec will he be able to attend to new school with son son mah. I wish I can join too, but den on 19 Dec ML got annual christmas lunch at the Aquarmarine, Marine Mandarin Hotel. Sigh, I might can time off den. . Depends how. .

Kids are actually telling me yesterday they are having conversation with their daddy abt the housing and car financing. Hubby was actually telling them tat he did actually paid for the insurance thingy. Sigh, which is last year mi did paid for all too almost thousand plus. And this time he is the one who said wanna paid for all which I did told him pls paid by our OCBC bank.

Today, mei mei was talking to her ah ma again abt this issue. Ah ma was den telling her tat again abt the insurance thingy. Still said he neva drive for wat he need to pay. Mei mei was actually telling her daddy got used the car le. And saying his CPF also deducted for housing mah. He neva stay there for the fuck he need to pay?? And Im the one who was asking for sepration in the first place and not hubby. No doubt tat, I've doing my way to amend this family and wanted us to be back again. All my doings it doesnt show appreciated by them. They started their conversation is becoz ah ma asking her this and tat again as per wat she told me wheneva they go home, sure got ppl questionin them thingy. Mei mei was indeed sided of me. Really very thanks to my mei mei. Really glad tat kids neva throw me aside too and I'll hope we can actually be back to last time again.

However, how can ah ma (my MIL) really saying such thingy to my kids. Really very disappointed me. All the while I would think my mother in law is the most nicer person in this world. Compared to all my friend's MIL. but this time is really too much. Even I called her and chatting with her also kena hide for listening by her. why why why??? Does she really need to do until like tat??

I was wonder should I give up or continued? Times have been given, but no action has been done since den. I am really very pity. Got husband like no husband. All my worries and happiness no one to share to. I guess worries are more den happiness. Since hubby left me from day 1, I dun find any happiness in me. What abt him? Does he have any happiness after he left me?

Kids was telling me tat they felt their daddy recently seen like dun really like them anymore. Wat does tat mean? Is he going to give up kids as well?? Wat is hubby really thinking abt?

Regards,
ShiQi

Day 35

Todaz is day 35. Wondered dear hubby go to work with heavy rain mah?? Hope he will be fine.

Since ytd till today, rain keep on dropping down. Isit heaven is crying for us??

I miss hubby alot. Did u?

Wondered will I able to see him todaz mah?

He is feeling beta after so long of peaceful daz. .

Regards,
ShiQi

Day 34

Today is hubby left home of 34 dayz.

This morning he is coming back while all of us are sleeping sound. He came back to took his sport shoes and grove. Coz he mentioned that he is taken his 2A bike licence.

Hope he can successful passed it smoothly.

Disappointed tat I noe someone is coming into the house, but I dun hav the gut to wake up and talk to him. Sori dear. .I really miss u alot but I dunno why dare not seeing you. I only can stare at him by a small hole of my door and looking at him wearing his sock outside the house. Poor thing, why wanna sit on the floor, so dirty sia..

At abt 1plus, he gave me a call and wanna to drive redtimo out. Coz it is raining heavily and he need it for work.

Dear, of coz I will tell u u may used it. Redtimo is our lovely car. . U dun hav to inform me.. Just use it anytime anyday u like.

A friend was telling me last nitz, dun becoz of a tree and put down everything. . There's will be alot of trees outside who are waiting for me. Just example: wat he felt is pamper, treated me like a princess, show me with all the love soul and care and of coz concern that I've last lost. He want me to be happy foreva from now. Tats really touch me. But, im telling him tat. I am still love my hubby, very much. He come back home, I will be the most happy one, and tat is the only thing can make me happy foreva from now on. I hang the ring on my neck tat hubby gave to me is becoz tat is the nearest place to my heart. Hubby is the only person still stand a larger place in my heart. And of coz Im telling him tat hope my words wont be hurting him.

He was only get to reply my sms this morning. I guess he indeed not feeling well.

He was replyed he is hurt, really very hurt. But it is ok. That is the gal he like. Coz if Im telling him tat if I dun love my hubby tat much, den he gonna disappointed. He was mentioned that he noe where he stand in my life. Hubby and me have been together for more den 15 years since we are young. He is hurt but happy. He asked me not to worry abt him. It is his choice. And he just wanna to ask, even if hubby outside has a gal den he come back, Will I still be able to accept him??

Well, tat did cross my mind. I've tot abt it long ago. Im very firm to telling him tat YES. He will be forgiven just like he'd forgiven me b4 and as long as he wont be contacting that gal anymore. I will still be loving him with all my life. I will forgive and forget everything in the past and start all over afresh with hubby again.

He was hurt but happy to noe wat im facing and going to look forward my future life. He was saying ok, hope my hubby can change and come back to me one even day. However, he will be always there as friend when I need someone for comfort.

I was telling him, I dun wish to think negative of my hubby tat he is having affair outside. He said well, mayb he is wrong to give tat assume. I asked him to get back to his own life again. And he saying he hav his own life. He noe how to handle it. But he just wan to be my shou hu shen and take care of me. I can dun like him, but I cant stop him from taking care of me.

Tats really sound touching if Im other gals. But my heart and mind is only my hubby tat is Jack Tan Chih Chiang. He is my only and foreva love till the end of my life.

Times really flew fast. . Im waiting patiently for dear to come back home and together with us again. Hoping he can see my changed and change his mind again. .

Dear, I will be always there for u. . Love u foreva...

Regards,
ShiQi

Day 33

Today is hubby left me of 33 days. I missed him alot..

Is he missing me too??

He neva call nor sms me.. wat is he doing now?

I dun wish to think negative but. . really in a lost

Ppl told me 80% he got another partner outside, I try to convince myself tat he is not. He just dun wish to see me, heart dead, dun love me anymore. . but isit true?

7th days had been over since last thur and he is not back den. Wat does that mean? He really dun wan this family anymore? Dun wan me anymore mah?

Will he still be remind of our past when he came back home? Will he just take alook at our bedroom, our lovely house, every little place of the house when he step into the house??

Can someone really tells me wats going on between us? Things has been dragging, no news from him wat is his plan. I can only wait patiently for his answer. . No matter how long I've to take, I can only wait day by day. .

Ppl asked, wat is the meaning of tat? It is fair to me by just waiting like tat. . Well, I really hav no choice but to wait. I hope one day I can touch his heart and he will return to me. .

Hubby, u really out for very long le, family needs u very much. . Please come back, will u??

We really miss u so much..

Regards,
ShiQi

For dear. .‏

在东京铁塔 第一次眺望
看灯火模仿 坠落的星光
我终於到达 但却更悲伤
一个人完成 我们的梦想

你总说 时间还很多 你可以等我
以前我不懂得 未必明天 就有以后

想念是会呼吸的痛
它活在我身上所有角落
哼你爱的歌会痛
看你的信会痛
连沉默也痛
遗憾是会呼吸的痛
它流在血液中来回滚动
后悔不贴心会痛
恨不懂你会痛
想见不能见最痛

没看你脸上 张扬过哀伤
那是种多么 寂寞的倔强
你拆了城墙 让我去流浪
在原地等我 把自己捆绑

你没说 你也会软弱 需要依赖我
我就装不晓得 自由移动 自我地过

想念是会呼吸的痛
它活在我身上所有角落
哼你爱的歌会痛
看你的信会痛
连沉默也痛
遗憾是会呼吸的痛
它流在血液中来回滚动
后悔不贴心会痛
恨不懂你会痛
想见不能见最痛

我发誓不再说谎了
多爱你就会抱你多紧的
我的微笑都假了
灵魂像飘浮着
你在就好了
我发誓不让你等候
陪你做想做的无论什么
我越来越像贝壳
怕心被人触碰
你回来那就好了

能重来那就好了

Regards,
ShiQi